I’m properly settling into this now. After the first few weeks of really missing red wine, I am not bothered now. In fact, I am enjoying the unexpected new-found freedom that I appear to have gained.
We want to go out for dinner? No problem. I’ll drive. We want to go away for the weekend and the nicest place to stay isn’t walking distance to a pub? No problem! I’ll drive. It has actually been really liberating.
Friday evening, my daughter and I went to our local pub. We go early doors and stay for about 45 minutes. I have one (non-alcoholic) beer, say hi to everyone, have a catch up, then we are home by 7, leaving everyone to their evening. Only, this friday, someone decided that my daughter’s behaviour wasn’t appropriate, so they told me I should leave. I was devastated, and was actually going to leave. I was stopped by all of my friends and told to stay, so we did. The point is, when someone criticises your behaviour, or your small child’s behaviour, it is a very personal insult. If someone had laughed at my haircut, or told me my top was horrible I would have probably told them where to go and laughed it off!!
No-one ever criticised my drinking, or told me I drank too much. Or did they? And I just didn’t hear them? Or had I decided I was going to do it anyway, and just ignored them? The funny thing is, now I have stopped, a few people have told me that they thought I drank a lot. Is the reason I am now noticing because actually, I know they are right? And I am now prepared to listen? Maybe. Either that, or by having this blog and being brutally honest people feel like they can be brutally honest back. Good!!! It’s refreshing. And quite honestly, I think we should do it more. (There is a time, a place, and a tactful way of doing it mind you…)
And how do I know they are right….? I have been using an app called ‘drink free days’ which encourages you to pledge a number of drink free days per week. It then tells you how much money, and how many calories you have saved based on what you would normally have drunk. So far, since giving up at the beginning of the year, I have saved well over £500, and over 25000 calories!!! I am horrified…. That I am not yet a size 8! Well, that may be because I have been replacing the booze with cake…. Well, one step at a time, eh?
One year: No booze, no takeaways 
Fabulous blog … and hurrah for cake! X
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This is not a criticism, it’s the only place that feels appropriate to respond to you. Something I have given a lot of thought to, something that started me off on my PhD. ‘We are the most in debt, obese, addicted and medicated adult cohort in U.S, history.’ Brene Brown, researches shame, ‘why’ we feel we are not enough, not good enough, never enough for love and connection. She describes in the quote how we avoid feeling vulnerable, why people numb so they can avoid feeling those very uncomfortable feelings of vulnerability.
I know that I drink to numb, I can put my hand in the air and say, yeah, absolutely! I do that sometimes, more times than I should, or even want to. I numb because I struggle with feeling good enough. I made the very horrible discovery, through my research, that I hated myself because I am a woman. This is complex and I alone am not responsible for hating myself, it is imbricated through social and cultural messages that have become normalised. This is part of my story of how I have been trying to forgive myself for all those years of self criticism, self abuse, blame, disappointment, self punishment because what I now know, is that I am worthy of love and belonging at every moment; every moment of the past, present and future.
I have turned a corner, I have made changes to the way I treat myself, although it is an ongoing struggle. That’s what it is. It doesn’t get easier, not really. It is unfamiliar territory to try to believe that I am good enough at every moment despite my imperfections. I have spent many years believing and practicing anger, blame and self abuse and it takes time to develop new practices but awareness helps. Brene Brown is awesome, she’s funny and intense, she is widely known now and easily accessible. I guess what I am saying is that you are on a journey of wellness. My concern is that when we remove one vice that numbs it can easily be replaced with another. I hope that this is not read as condescending, or critical or naive. You are Becky, worthy of love and belonging at every moment. Here is one of my Mantras, I love myself therefore I may love others. Brown will argue that self love is critical for loving others. If I can forgive myself, I can forgive others. This is liberating.
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