… But granted, it’s a pretty shitty boat. The QE2 it is not….
The thing is, we are all scared, and worried for the future, and struggling with all the uncertainty. I have heard today of several businesses shutting, my friends customer’s for her dog walking business have all cancelled overnight, people are missing out on dream holidays; one guy I work with has found out today that his friends have cancelled their wedding at the weekend. This is not just something that will blow over. It is probably going to get worse before it gets better.
So, what can we do about it? Well, fuck all really. Apart from listen to, and adhere to advice from the government and medical professionals, and look out for our friends and family who are vulnerable. AND WASH OUR HANDS!Oh, and stop panic buying food!! I watched a women buy 24 cans of tomatoes yesterday, along with the remaining 6 bottles of hand soap in the entire shop. And wine. A shit ton of wine. I must admit, I have been tempted to stockpile wine myself, just incase we find ourselves in some sort of post-apocalyptic scenario… Wine solves everything, doesn’t it?
But, looking for the silver lining, I have enjoyed working from home today. I do normally wfh a couple of days a week anyway, but this felt different. Calmer, somehow. I guess knowing that this is it for a while, and I can settle into a routine. I walked the dog at lunchtime, and made dinner. We all ate together, and had some really nice time together before Jossy went to bed.
I already have a ‘virtual coffee break’ penciled in the diary for tomorrow, and lots of space to get on with some really interesting work. But the best bit? I have THIS in my office:
So today I was driving back from a meeting. I was following a lorry. Nothing untoward. Then, from out of nowhere a woman ran infront of the truck, hit it, and bounced across the road. I swerved, missed the woman lying in the road, stopped, grabbed my phone and a blanket from the car, and ran straight over to her.
She was in a bad way, but still breathing. I was trying to keep her still while I called an ambulance. Then her boyfriend appeared, he was shouting and crying and started trying to pick her up. The more he did this, the more she screamed, and the more I told him to stop…. Then he was threatening to effing punch me in the effing face. It was awful.
Thankfully, a med student stopped in his car and took over from me. This meant I could go and comfort the guy who was driving the lorry. He was physically shaking, clearly devastated and I was trying to calm him down and reassure him that there was absolutely nothing he could have done. Then I was playing referee while the boyfriend was throwing punches at the shaking lorry guy.
Several ambulances, a trauma team, first responders, incident officers, and police arrived. Thankfully for the lorry guy, someone behind me had a dashcam which clearly showed what happened, and the police were very clear that it was not lorry guy’s fault at all. Sadly, it would appear that this was quite a regular thing for this poor girl, and she was known to the police.
So the police car drove off, the ambulance left, the lorry guy gave me a hug and a heartfelt thank you, and that was it.
Then I got about 2 miles down the road, burst into tears and started shaking.
Later on, I texted my sister who replied with words to the effect of “blimey. You need a beer”. This seems to be the natural reaction; something stressful happens and you shun offers of tea and half jokingly half seriously say “do you have something stronger??”
I have nothing but respect for the emergency services, and anyone else who deals with that sort of thing day in, day out. It has pretty much wiped me out today, but at least i haven’t cracked! Currently sat scoffing chocolate on the sofa, and gave joss an extra big squeeze before bedtime.
This weekend was a toughie. Work was mental last week, then it was my bestie’s birthday at the weekend, so we went out for a meal then drinks.
The first two months have been a bit of a doddle so far. I think this is because my partner in crime (aka drinking buddy) has also been off the booze since new year. This weekend however, she was back on it. Everyone was on it! And i was quite apprehensive about it.
I dropped my friend’s cake and balloons off at the restaurant on saturday and while I was there I checked their non alcoholic drinks situation, which made me feel a bit better. You may think this is a bit extreme, but when you are feeling a bit weak anyway, preparation is key!
The meal was lovely. We had amazing food and laughed til my cheeks hurt! I discovered a new rose “wine” which was actually lovely, then I was able to play taxi to everyone back to the village for round 2.
It was a nice feeling to have control, and also be able to go whenever I wanted. I was also able to look after all the pressies and balloons so nothing got lost. Secretly, I quite like playing mum! Although, I now know you most definitely do need booze to keep going; we started at 3 and I was in bed for 10. Some of the girls carried on til 6!! I’m too old for that shizzle!
Overall, a lovely weekend. And once again, there was no reason at all to feel apprehensive.
For Christmas last year I bought Guy a blacksmithing experience. So, this weekend we went down to Herefordshire to beat the crap out of some metal and stay for a couple of nights in an Airbnb.
I was really looking forward to it but I was also quite apprehensive. It would be our first weekend away where I wasn’t drinking and honestly, I was quite scared. Drinking has always been such a massive part of relaxation for me that I didn’t think I could fully relax without it. But, I packed my nosecco, and off we toddled.
The blacksmithing was an absolute hoot. It was so much fun!
Guy hammering his prongs!
Guy made a toasting fork, and I made a cheese knife. It was bloody hard work though.
(this was my first attempt, before I melted it in half and had to start all over again!)
My finished cheese knife.
The cottage we had rented was beautiful. It was on a farm, and had only just been converted into accommodation. When we arrived there was bread, milk, eggs, bacon…. And a bottle of prosecco. But, there was also an amazing view and a log burner.
We had a fab time. Who knew there were so many castles round there?! And we are now home feeling totally relaxed; without the need for red wine!
Christmas of 2015, I decided that I wanted to do something a bit different. Something that wasn’t all about gluttony and excess. So, I volunteered to do a few shifts at Crisis at Christmas (a day centre set up for the homeless) in London, including Christmas day. Guy was delighted, as it meant he got a lie in then a chance to go mountain biking with the dog. It would mean I would get home at about 7pm, so no point cooking the full on turkey dinner. Guy asked a few days before what I wanted for christmas dinner and I said “beans on toast with cheese on top.” Then promptly forgot to buy bread or beans….. But, I got home to homemade baked beans, on homemade bread. It was awesome!
We don’t really do valentines. Never have. Although, we did used to do a tat challenge where it was a £5 limit, and the tackiest present won. Now, I had no idea where Guy found most of his stuff from, but he always seemed to win. He later told me that the palace of tat he frequented was in fact, woolworths. I am sure he shed a tear the day it closed.
For the past few years, we have given each other a card, and that’s about it. Last year, Guy forgot to pick up the envelope with said card, so it was lovingly presented to me wrapped in a tesco carrier bag.
This day has always been however, an excuse to buy a bottle of really nice champagne. So what about this year? Well, I got up this mornong to find guy had already started making the beans, and the dough is rising for the bread. That is so much better than a bottle of fizzy grape juice. I think he’s a keeper 😉
A pretty normal Tuesday. Nothing of note or out of the ordinary.
Except, at one time, this would have been an excuse for wine. Well, today, guy is working late, so I am plonked on the sofa, and I have treated myself to some lego! 😂
LOOK AT THE CRAB!!!
I will post some pics of the finished article soon!
I’m properly settling into this now. After the first few weeks of really missing red wine, I am not bothered now. In fact, I am enjoying the unexpected new-found freedom that I appear to have gained.
We want to go out for dinner? No problem. I’ll drive. We want to go away for the weekend and the nicest place to stay isn’t walking distance to a pub? No problem! I’ll drive. It has actually been really liberating.
Friday evening, my daughter and I went to our local pub. We go early doors and stay for about 45 minutes. I have one (non-alcoholic) beer, say hi to everyone, have a catch up, then we are home by 7, leaving everyone to their evening. Only, this friday, someone decided that my daughter’s behaviour wasn’t appropriate, so they told me I should leave. I was devastated, and was actually going to leave. I was stopped by all of my friends and told to stay, so we did. The point is, when someone criticises your behaviour, or your small child’s behaviour, it is a very personal insult. If someone had laughed at my haircut, or told me my top was horrible I would have probably told them where to go and laughed it off!!
No-one ever criticised my drinking, or told me I drank too much. Or did they? And I just didn’t hear them? Or had I decided I was going to do it anyway, and just ignored them? The funny thing is, now I have stopped, a few people have told me that they thought I drank a lot. Is the reason I am now noticing because actually, I know they are right? And I am now prepared to listen? Maybe. Either that, or by having this blog and being brutally honest people feel like they can be brutally honest back. Good!!! It’s refreshing. And quite honestly, I think we should do it more. (There is a time, a place, and a tactful way of doing it mind you…)
And how do I know they are right….? I have been using an app called ‘drink free days’ which encourages you to pledge a number of drink free days per week. It then tells you how much money, and how many calories you have saved based on what you would normally have drunk. So far, since giving up at the beginning of the year, I have saved well over £500, and over 25000 calories!!! I am horrified…. That I am not yet a size 8! Well, that may be because I have been replacing the booze with cake…. Well, one step at a time, eh?
For a few years, I suffered from invasive thoughts. These thoughts were mainly things like “what is going to happen when the world ends” and “what’s the meaning of life?” (I know right? Start with an easy one!) These thoughts were so debilitating that I literally didn’t have room in my head for anything else, and if I did happen to forget them for a few minutes, someone would only have to say something tangential and I would be off again, spiralling into this awful philosophical pit that I could neither reason my way out of or make sense of. This went on for at least two years. It was horrific. The more I tried to get rid of the thoughts, the stronger they became. Then, almost as suddenly as they arrived, they vanished. I can’t pinpoint when, or why, but they just stopped.
For a while it was a little bit strange. I was actually thinking about other things, I remembered things that prople told me, I was sleeping better. It didn’t take long for this to feel normal, even though the previous two years had been so different.
This is how I am starting to feel about not drinking. I am starting to settle into it now. It’s starting to feel normal. I am getting excited about the prospect of going out, of being able to drive and not have to worry about taxi’s. I have booked a couple of mini holidays and no longer have the dread of “well what am I going to do on holiday if I can’t drink nice wine?!”
When those awful thoughts finally stopped, for a long time afterwards I thought I was a massive weirdo. It’s only recently that I have learned that this is a recognised illness. It’s called existential OCD and is surprisingly not that uncommon. Just learning this was a huge relief. Not that it makes much difference now; I still had to experience it. BUT…. that knowledge has meant I now understand it, and it has normalised it. It has enabled me to label it, file it, and move on.
What I find concerning is the label that is so commonly given to giving up drinking of it being hard. One particular ‘give up drinking’ book I read has a section in the back which has plastered in big red letters BREAK GLASS IN CASE OF EMERGENCY! In this section is lots of tips on what to do if you fail, and how to ‘survive’ a night out…. How to survive a night out?!
This doesn’t sit well with me. I don’t know about anyone else, but I go out to have fun, regardless of whether I drink or not. It’s not a matter of surviving. I have read alot of addiction literature out of interest, and the majority of it has the same overarching message:
“quitting is hard, don’t be surprised or annoyed with yourself if you fail this time”
Hmmmmmm… That’s not really a positive start is it?
I still don’t know if I will ‘file’ drinking after my year off, or if I even want to. At the moment, that doesn’t matter. But what I do know is that I am enjoying the experience so far. I genuinely am. I am also enjoying the amount of discussion it is opening up with friends, and people who have stumbled upon the blog who I would not have met otherwise. I get messages daily from people offering words of support, book recommendations, and mocktail recipes, which is amazing. When I get round to it I will add some pages to my site with extra reading and other bits and bobs, but for now, a snippet to think about:
Everything and anything that creates a massive change or shift in mindset or habits will be hard. But being told it will be, and being told that failure is inevitable, is not helpful. Yes, failure is a possibility for sure, but that prospect does not need to be highlighted. Highlight instead the benefits of having support, the numerous benefits of making that change, and how at some point in the future, it will become normality.
I used to work with a lovely man called Wen-Chin, who would often ask me questions relating to the peculiar nuances of the English language. He would ask about certain popular sayings, and why we say them, and more often than not, I wouldn’t have a clue! Yet, I, and many other people still use them in everyday life, because it is the norm. If on a rare occasion I did know the answer, Wen would delightedly say “every day is a school day” and nod his head in appreciation.
Since knowing Wen, I have started to question things a bit more, which is part of the reason I decided to take on my wine free year. Why is alcohol such a massive part of our culture? Why do social occasions centre around drinking? Why has ‘a bottle of wine’ become such a normal way to end the day? I don’t know the answer tothese questions; I doubt there is one definitive answer to be honest, but I can say that so far, all the social occasions I have attended sans booze have been just as good (if not better, as I am not stressing about getting home etc) than before.
I have learned a few things this weekend though:
1. The power of the crowd is overwhelming, and stopped me from stalling this weekend.
2. Nosecco (alcohol free prosecco) is actually OK, and goes well with cheese. Talking of which…
3. Cheese and biscuits is not really dinner…
4. A tantruming toddler is far easy to deal with at the soft play (and the soft play itself tbh) without a fuzzy head, and
5. Someone, somewhere, makes cuddly toys of sealions.
Oh, and a bonus one,
6. Someone on my train this morning has *the* smelliest trumps.
One year: No booze, no takeaways 