I found myself loitering around the wine aisle in the co-op earlier. I popped in to get something for dinner, and ended up wandering around the wine section for a good 5 minutes. Infact, I put a bottle of rioja in my basket.

It’s been another looooong week, the house looks like a toy/laundry/dog hair bomb has gone off, and Guy has had to go back to Stoke for a family funeral today. To top it all off, I have excruciating tooth ache. So, my resolve was waining somewhat.

But…. That rioja did not stay in my basket. Do you know why? Because I didnt want to have to tell you guys that I had failed. I actually mentally wrote out my blog post while I was standing in front of the booze, and just the thought of having to write it made me feel ill. So I put it back.

Instead of sinking a bottle of wine, a friend popped round, we ate too much pizza, and watched an episode of escape to the chateau while we chatted crap at each other. Im now in bed before 10. Top friday night if you ask me!

So a thought for the day; don’t underestimate the impact that you have on others. Its often greater than you think.

Have a fab weekend all 🙂

Second weekend (almost) in the bag. I won’t lie; I’m disappointed. I thought I would knock the booze on the head, have loads of energy, and feel amazing. I don’t. In fact, this week I have felt awful, like I have been wrung out. I think I just have a bit of a cold and am feeling a bit “januaryish!” As a result, we have had a bit of a lazy weekend. We had friends round on friday night to play board games and have a takeaway. I would normally have been on the prosecco, but i didnt have any (obviously!) and still had an amazing time. Saturday night we had more friends round for some spag bol. My friend is also off the booze so we tried some non alcoholic gin type stuff which was lovely. Again, didnt feel lile I was missing out.

I am actually writing this having just got back from the gym. A few years ago I used to lift weights. Seriously heavy ones. Even did a competition or two. Then I had joss, broke my shoulder, and haven’t really got back into it. My friend wanted some pointers, so invited me along to her (very swanky!) gym. It was so good to get back to lifting weights again. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed it.

So, to the title of the post: My friend asked me if I would like to go with her again to which I said yes. Then she asked how much I wanted to be nagged, and I said “as much as you possibly can!” So, we are going to try and do at least one other weights session this week. I’ll be back to lifting 150+kg before you know it!

Today felt loooooong. This whole week is feeling long tbh. First full week back at work after christmas, all the decs are down, and everything has lost its sparkle a bit. Add to that a busy day at work and a packed, delayed train on the way back…

I thought the weekend was going to be the tough one, but I was wrong. Today, I really wanted to get home and pour a large glass of red. I never drank to excess in the week, but that first sip was always mega, and that thought has been niggling at me today from about 3pm!

Don’t panic, I didn’t get home and crack open the Rioja, but I did get home, take off my shoes, pour myself a large ‘fake gin’ and tonic, and flop on the sofa. So, no booze, but I still feel like I have failed a little bit.

The whole point of me doing this was to break the habit. Stop that automatic process. If i am just replacing it with something else, am i really achieving that? Purists would argue no. I am settling on a ‘yes, I am getting there’. Let me explain…

So I had my one fake gin, ate my dinner, did a few bits and bobs around the house, and I am now in bed. My alarm is set for 06:10, and i am going to have an amazing, productive, cotton-wool-head free day tomorrow.

If I had reached for the wine, I would’ve had a couple of glasses, remained rooted to the sofa, ate some biscuits, and would probably still be watching the tele. I would start the day with a lower mood, making it harder for me to stay strong tomorrow if the same cravings kick in.

So for now, I think I can probably live with reaching for the fake gin while I settle into this new lifestyle.

This weekend has seen three occasions where normally alcohol would play a large part:

1. A friend’s birthday in our local pub on friday night

2. Lunch with friends in London on Saturday

3. Late lunch at a friend’s on Sunday.

Well, I didn’t touch a drop, and more to the point, I didn’t feel like I was missing out; quite the opposite in fact!

Friday was fine, we only stayed for one as jossy was with us. Saturday, I was dreading if I’m honest. I was meeting two of my very good friends for lunch, and it’s fair to say that our meet-ups usually involve copious amounts of wine. As soon as I met them at midday they said “if it’s easier for you, we won’t drink” to which I muttered some expletives, and then we carried on as normal. That’s how supportive they are, which is amazing. But equally, I dont want people to feel like they have to behave differently around me. We had a fabulous time. The food was amazing! We chatted, we laughed, I drank non alcoholic cocktails and fizzy water, then at about 5:30pm I left, got the train, and then drove home. Following on from my post earlier in the week, I didn’t feel like I was missing out at all. Infact, on the train home I calculated roughly how much I saved by not drinking based on what I probably would have bought:

Bottle of fizz ~ £35

Share of wine in restaurant ~ £50

A few drinks / cocktails afterwards ~ £25

Plus taxis to and from the station ~ £30.

Thats a whopping £140!!!! (this is not a regular thing btw, it was our Christmas meet-up) It was also helped by the fact that the girlies picked up the tab in the last bar we were in as they had wine and I had soft drinks!

Another upside is that I felt great this morning. Then we went and had dinner at a friend’s earlier today. I would normally, probably have drunk a bottle of red, but again. Didnt miss it!

So, in summary, a weekend which would normally have revolved around alcohol, didn’t (at least for me anyway) and i had a brilliant time. Now my bag is packed, and I am ready for the commute tomorrow morning.

Me, chatting to a friend who doesn’t drink and I have never really questioned it:

Me: When you are out and everyone else is drinking, do you not feel like you are missing out?

Friend: No! Why would I? I’m still there just like everyone else.

… 365 to go! Although I am not treating this as a countdown to “when can I drink again” I’ll be clear about that right now. I am committing a year as I want to experience every event (every birthday, holiday, bad day, good day) without alcohol and document what it is like. A month seems too short, forever seems like an impossible mountain.

I have felt rotten all day. I even had to have an afternoon nap. Its the last day that we had as a family before Guy goes back to work tomorrow, and I was so hungover I lost two precious hours asleep. What a dick.

I am very lucky in that I have a mentor, someone who has just completed a whole year sans alcohol. We have been texting for just over a week and she has been a godsend already. She has been extremely honest about what is coming, and some tips on how to deal with it. However, the two pieces of advice that have really been amazing today, were:

1. Play the movie to the end (more on this in a mo…) and

2. Turn the negatives into positives.

After feeling so dreadful all day, my usual approach would be to have a glass of wine with dinner to take the edge off. The advice about ‘playing the movie to the end’ was about thinking about what that would mean. It would mean that I probably wouldnt just have one, (as I am off work tomorrow) so I would have multiple. I would then snore and keep guy awake, (which is extremely selfish as he has to be up for work) and not sleep so well myself. I would then feel awful again tomorrow… And so it goes on. This also feeds into point 2 about turning negatives into positives. Because I have made the decision to forgo a glass or two tonight I know I will be feeling tip top tomorrow, so me and Jossy (my daughter) are going to go to the zoo. I’m excited already!

So, lets do this 🙂

So. This is it. We have had a fabulous evening of gorgeous food and lovely wine. And I am about to bed, extremely drunk. This wasn’t an intentional “last fling” or anything, it just kind of happened…

… And I already have the fear. How will I cope with bad days? Good days? Birthdays? Holidays?

We have been so socially conditioned to relate these occasions to alcohol that I am genuinely terrified that I won’t be any fun anymore. That I will be the boring one. But…. I am looking forward to getting rid of that fuzzy head feeling. So, it looks like I will have to just crack on!

This year has been full of change for me. I left my extremely comfortable job to take a more challenging one. My toddler is realising exactly which buttons to press to get me going, and i am still not used to getting very little sleep. Probably the most notable change though has been in my outlook, or more specifically, the crushing realisation that I am not a 20 year old anymore. I am in my late 30’s, and my body is already letting me down. I am dreadfully overweight, and it is starting to affect my relationships; not just with my husband and daughter, but friends aswell. I can’t chase my daughter around, I cant sit on the floor and play with her comfortably, I won’t go on beach holidays…. The list goes on. The one thing that has been niggling at me more than anything though, and wont go away, is that I have started to become reliant on alcohol. I count down the minutes until i will be at home, the baby is in bed, and i am sat on the sofa with a glass of red. In that instant when i take the first sip, my whole day evaporates. Its wonderful. Until i wake up, realise i have drunk 2 bottles and my head feels like it’s full of cotton wool. Then eat my own bodyweight in carbs. Its something I want to change. So, i am committing to 2020 without my wine crutch. The entire year wine (well any alcohol) free.