The nights are drawing in, the weather is closing in, and we are all, well, staying in. Lockdown mkII seems an extra struggle now that winter is here.

I have friends who are struggling. Really struggling with the isolation and monotony of the situation. One friend has found that structuring the day and getting regular exercise has helped. We have one friend who lives alone who has formed a support bubble with us, so at least I can keep an eye on him (whether he likes it or not!).

One thing that has knocked me for six this week is the news that one of my school / college friends has died. I am incredibly fortunate to have not lost any friends the same age as me before, so this feels like a horrible milestone. I am absolutely devastated for his close friends, family and children. Especially upsetting is the fact that 2020 (aka, the shitshow) was his last experience on this earth. When something like this happens, it really makes you think. For me, those thoughts are “where the hell have the last 20 years gone?!” Martyn and I sneaking out of Home Ec A-Level for ciggie, or dicking about for the entire lesson seems like yesterday.

Not that the last 20 years have not been eventful or fruitful, but they seem to have just flashed by! Friends have come and gone, and my priorities have changed, but I don’t feel any older (until I look in the mirror!).

The clichéd phrases like “live in the moment” or “seize the day” always feel a bit nobby, but we really should. We don’t know what is around the corner, but that should not change what we do now. So if you have a friend you haven’t spoken to for a while, give them a text, or a call. Today.

… When we can start wearing knitwear, wellies replace flip flops, and the heating kicks back into life!

It is also when normally, booze plays a huge part in my day to day life. I would switch to red wine for the winter (yes, really…. How f*cking nobby does that sound?!), we would make as much sloe gin as possible (the best way we have found to do it is to just put the sloes and gin in together, then add sugar syrup at the end, as you don’t know how sweet the sloes will be), rum would be added to hot chocolate as a treat, and it’s also my birthday.

I normally manage to drag my birthday celebrations out for at least a fortnight, with the exception being ‘big’ birthdays, which last a month! So, with the big four-oh still two years away, my birthday fortnight is in full swing. Ordinarily this would mean copious amounts of booze. But this year it’s a little different.

The girls treated me to afternoon tea last weekend which was amazing. My superstar friend even checked with the venue to see if they did any non-alcoholic fizzy. They didn’t, so they said we could take our own. I had a fabulous afternoon.

It also meant that bex’s taxi’s was able to ferry everyone home. It also meant that I woke up fresh as a daisy on Monday!

Since then there have been numerous meals out, where I would normally have used the excuse of it being my birthday to have a glass of something lovely. Yesterday was a case in point; Guy had said last week that he would take me out for lunch on Monday, so to book the afternoon off work. He didn’t tell me where we were going, he just said we were going for a pub lunch. When we pulled up at the hand and flowers http://www.thehandandflowers.co.uk/ I was absolutely stunned! I have wanted to go there for ages. If it had been last year, I would have reached straight for the wine list, but not this year. Did it make the experience amy less special? God no! It was amazing!

I have surprised myself with my little experiment, and my relationship with alcohol will never be the same again. Will I be drinking alcohol this time next year? I honestly don’t know, but I certainly now know I can have a bloody good time without it! Cheers!

So, when I first started writing this post, the sun was shining, beer gardens were open again, and we were well and truly into peak Chablis weather. Fast forward to today, and the rain is horizonal and the wind is vertical!

There is absolutely NOTHING that compares with taking that first sip of chilled wine, sitting in the sunshine, at the end of a long day. Or so I thought.

I have spent the last few weeks in Rhosneigr (North Wales) visiting my family. It’s where I started my drinking career at the age of 15, and where I have done much of my practicing since! So being here and not drinking feels quite strange. There has always been a large amount of alcohol involved in my time here. It would also appear that drinking alcohol and only alcohol is a notion shared by all of the pubs here; the range of non-alcoholic options is poor at best, and usually, non existent.

Sigh.

“diet coke please….”

To be honest, I was dreading being here and not drinking, but it feels no different. I am still going out, still seeing the same people, still doing the same things. Except I am usually the first one to bail at the point the tequila and sambuca arrives!

But, nearly 8 months down! Two thirds of the way through! I am writing a longer post for the start of September, but for now, I am going to enjoy the rest of the (apparent…) summer, in Wales, with my family. (And drink a lot of diet coke!)

So, 6 months down. 26 weekends booze free!

I have been asked quite alot recently about how I am finding it. To be honest, not drinking has just become normal now. I have just got back from a girly (socially distanced of course!) afternoon tea, where I spent the whole afternoon drinking nosecco, eating cake, and having a lovely time. And…. Not having to worry about how I will get home, or waking up in the morning with a stonking hangover.

Of course, I still occasionally think it would be nice to have a glass of wine, but those moments are quite rare these days. When I started this, I was focusing on the negatives; missing out on fun, being boring, not being able to relax etc. I am now focusing on the positives; increased freedom, money saving, always being in control, not waking up with a fuzzy head, without even realising I am doing it.

So how have the six months been?

Month 1: fucking awful. I could quite easily have given up if it wasn’t for this blog. It didn’t help that I started in January, which is generally miserable anyway.

What I learned: the physical effects of alcohol are massive! Especially when you remove it. All I wanted was sugar. I joked that I had replaced booze with cake. I would advise anyone thinking of doing this not to start in January.

Month 2: better, but still teetering on the edge of giving up. I was starting to settle into life sans booze, and my friends had all got used to the idea too. I had my first full on weekend ‘out out’ while not drinking and I had a lovely time.

What I learned: when heading out and everyone else is drinking, preparation is key. I was going out for a boozy lunch, so I called ahead to ask what non alcoholic drinks they had. This made me feel loads better.

Months 3 – 6: the whole world has gone to shit.

What I learned: guy and I can be in the same house together, 24 hours a day and I don’t need to reach for the wine. We also haven’t killed each other. Happy days.

Joking aside, from March, not drinking became the norm. Which makes sense, I think it’s around 8 weeks to form a habit? Now to just kick the cake habit….

This week has flown by! I have been manic at work, and we have been busy in the garden.

Guy has been busy making room in the garage by selling some bikes, and joss has been, er, helping! (Anyone in the market for a rather pimpy orange spangly retro Klein??)

Altogether less stressful than last week. We threw a zoom birthday party for a friend which was fun, and seem to be spending more time just loafing around rather than rushing around. It’s all rather nice.

The gravel FINALLY arrived for my little seating area, and I have used it every day. I’m rather proud of it!

I have been enjoying having longer lunch breaks. I have NOT been missing the 05:30am starts. But, I have been missing working in London. I love the hectic nature, how full of people it is. Gives me a kind of energy boost. I adore my commute (I know, I’m a bit weird…). I often sit with a friend on the way in and we have a chat and a giggle, then on the way back I watch trash tele or listen to a podcast. It’s two hours a day that are 100% mine. Then when I get home I have already wound down and I can give Guy and Joss all my energy. The 20 second walk from my shoffice at the bottom of the garden isn’t quite the same…. I find myself sitting in a bit of a dazed state for half an hour while Joss jumps all over me and Guy tries to engage me in some level of adult conversation! I have no doubt that a glass of wine would speed up this process… Instead, I have been cooking, we have all been eating together, and having amazing quality time together that we don’t normally have.

I have no idea what normal will look like when lockdown starts lifting more, and Guy goes back to work. But, for the moment, it’s all good!

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So everything has got on top of me a bit this week. It’s a combination of lots of things that have just all come at once, and on top of lock down and the associated uncertainty have got a bit much. Up until four months ago, I would have poured myself a large glass or two of wine, and tried to forget about it.

I didn’t head for the wine. The first thing I did was allow myself to get upset. This is really important. We are so used to putting a brave face on, having a ‘stiff upper lip’ and getting on with things that we often forget that getting upset is ok. Then, I started to tackle things head on. Some of the things were quite simple, and easy to deal with. Some of them were trickier. I was lucky in that I could go to the source of my upset for some of the trickier things and get some answers. This helped. Then, I continued to talk it through with people I trust.

Now, I am not saying that I am now miraculously feeling better and the problems have disappeared, but I am feeling better equipped to deal with them; and all with a clear head!

Please don’t worry, I am fine. I just wanted to write this to demonstrate how, by just cutting out the booze, I have healthier coping strategies that enable me to deal with issues directly rather than ‘putting them in a box’. I also appreciate that everyone is different, and I am not a psychologist. But, I do believe that it is ok to get upset.

So what now? Well I continue to deal with these issues, and sort them out un my own head. By dealing with them head on they become just a small part of everything else rather than a huge, overwhelming issue. Right, apparently someone wants to be a princess and make another crown (no, not Guy….).

There is a well known parable about some blind men, and an elephant. They come across an elephant for the first time, and each of them touch a different part of the elephant, for example its tusk, or trunk. Because the elephant is so big, and whatever they have touched is their only experience, they take whatever part they touched to be the truth, and how they imagine an elephant to be. Even if the men could see, if they all approached the elephant from different directions, their experiences would still be very different. Although this parable has religious roots and moral lessons, I think its a very good metaphor for life in general, and that very often, we are looking at the same elephant, just from different perspectives.

Whatever we experience, whether it’s good, bad, or somewhere in the middle, we see it from our viewpoint. One perspective. How we perceive that experience is dependant on many things; our previous experiences, how we are feeling at the time…. Loads of things! Then there is time. If something festers for a long time, our memory of that experience evolves. Other experiences infect our memory, and without getting another viewpoint, this continues to be the ‘truth’. So until you sense check it with someone else, you will only have that one viewpoint.

Part of the reason for starting this blog was to invite those different viewpoints, different opinions; I really do welcome them.

This really hit home to me this week with something totally unrelated to my sober journey. Turns out I had a very narrow view of something that happened a while ago. Getting another viewpoint has changed my perception entirely, and for the better. I only wish I had opened up about it sooner!

I suppose there are two main points to this particular post:

1. Don’t bottle stuff up. Talk to somebody if something is bothering you. Please.

2. Remember, not everyone sees things the way you see them, and there may be a number of reasons why.

The past few weeks have been a bit uppy downy in terms of wanting a glass of wine or two. On one hand, not physically seeing friends or being able to go out means that you don’t get as many opportunities to have a drink. On the other hand, not physically seeing friends or being able to go out means that you really want a drink! Also, this whole lockdown thing is now getting pretty boring!

Lockdown has also given me loads of time to think about things, probably a little too much. Those of you who know me well know I am an overthinker anyway, so having so much time on my hands could be a double edged sword. Mainly though, it has given me a chance to re-focus, and really think about why I am doing a year free of alcohol, and the reasons are:

1. I was starting to depend on it too much

2. I wanted to experience everything that happens in a year (birthdays, holidays, good days, bad days) without alcohol, to re-calibrate my relationship with it

3. I wanted to lose some weight.

Well, so far, 1 and 2 are going ok, but I appear to have replaced alcohol with cake. A shit ton of cake. So, for the past few weeks I have been focusing on my diet. Being at home has given me the perfect opportunity to do this. We are cooking from scratch alot more, eating tons more fresh fruit and vegetables, and we are planning our meals more effectively. Also, Guy has built me a new mountain bike, and joss is now old enough that she can come with us on Guy’s bike, so we have been doing more exercise. So far so good!

In terms of overthinking, I have also found myself panicking about what I will do when the 1st January comes around… Will I start drinking again? What will people think if I do / don’t? I know it’s not worth thinking about, and at this moment in time it doesn’t matter, but as i say…. Too much time to think!

One thing I really do appreciate though, is that at least once a week, somebody sends a message to say they are following my blog. This is usually accompanied by messages of support such as “what a fab thing to do” or “well done, I couldn’t do it” or “you have made me think about my own relationship with alcohol”. I had one today actually, from someone who I cared for very much, and was a big part of my life around 16-17 years ago, then we sort of lost touch. We see each other on the odd occasion, but not as much as we used to, due to life / circumstances / getting older / me being boring and not going out as much / living in different countries(!) (select all applicable!). So, to have a little chat, and for them to say that they were following my blog and offer words of encouragement meant a great deal to me.

So, as long as people are still reading, and still interested in following my journey, I will keep posting!

Right, must get some sleep; long commute in the morning. Ha ha….

Bank Holidays. A break from work, a sign that summer is on its way, and a chance to spend time with friends and family. This Easter break has been a little bit different.

We (like many others) were due to be on holiday right now. We were supposed to be in wales with my family. Spending time with my sister’s family and my parents, while the kids run riot on the beach.

Instead, we have been at home. We have been for our prescribed one walk a day in the woods, we have done some gardening, I have sorted out the kitchen cupboards… Joss spent the whole day yesterday dressed as a rabbit. Its been a slow paced, relaxed affair.

This time last year we were in wales spending time with one of my oldest friends. We drank, we chatted, we enjoyed the sunshine. What none of us knew at that time, was that was the last time we would see him. He died not long afterwards after suffering a short illness. I had known him for over 20 years. I wish now I had made more of that time. Taken more photos. Talked to him more.

I have friends who are doctors, nurses, GPs and other key workers who are not getting to spend the weekend at home with their families. They are working. Putting their own lives at risk to protect ours. I also have friends who are very ill, and daren’t leave the house, at all.

This evening, I am going to pour myself a fake g + t, have a look through all of my photos from the weekend, and raise a toast to Justin. Justin, your eccentric ways were a delight to witness.

So make the most of this time. Make the most of this slower pace. We may be stuck at home, but we are the lucky ones, we really are.

Apologies for being quiet of late; facebook was driving me a bit mad so I had a little break for a bit. My newsfeed seemed to be full of people criticising others for their behaviour, or telling people off for not following the rules for this new lifestyle we are finding ourselves in. I found it all quite upsetting.

Being quite a social person, I thought I would find this lockdown malarky very hard. Although, it has been the opposite. I feel like the pace of life has slowed down. My daily commute has been slashed from over three hours a day to twenty seconds. I get to see Joss for the whole day rather than the 10 minutes I get so see her for most weekdays (although don’t get me wrong, working full time and child wrangling is tough!). I have been having ‘virtual coffees’ with colleagues. Guy and I have been getting loads of little jobs done that have been on our to do list for ages. I have been having regular catch ups with friends and family, and been in touch with friends I have lost touch with. Oh, and we are getting really fat! Seriously; I need to stop eating!

I am struggling with the no drinking thing at the moment. I thought 3 months in it would be a breeze. However, the last week or so I could quite have easily popped open a bottle. But I haven’t. And why not? Well, a few reasons.

1. I was mooching round the kitchen moaning about the fact I really fancied a drink, and Guy asked me “well why do you want a drink? What will it change or give you that you haven’t got?” I couldn’t answer. Because if I think about it, I honestly don’t know! Boredom? Maybe. But it may also have something to do with seemingly the entire world cracking open a few bevvies and making the most of a shitty time! Even the government have classed booze as an essential item! Nobbers.

2. I played the film to the end… The hangovers, the grumpiness, eating even more food than I am already (not that i think that is possible!)

3. I promised myself I would do a year booze free, and I am not there yet! So as far as I am concerned, I am absolutely going to do this. End of. No matter how many times I wish I could have a glass of wine, or find it hard, I have made a promise to myself and I will keep it. And now, all you guys are part of that promise too; and I am not going to let you down!

So if you are reading this, that all sounds very definite doesn’t it? Well yes, but I still have wobbles, and probably will do all year. The fact that we are now stuck in the house, sat around alot, and have time and space to think, seems to have amplified everything somewhat.

But, we are all still healthy, and safe, and at the moment, we still have jobs. Also, on my daily exercise walk in the woods (with guy and jossy and pip dog!), I have been spotting little notes and stickers. It’s lovely! Stay safe everyone.

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